The last time I was here, I was employed, in a relationship, had an unfurnished apartment and no pets. That was 3 years ago in an apartment in Brooklyn. Today I’m in the same place. I’m unemployed, single, and living in a furnished home in west Oakland with a cat. Scenery’s changed but it’s the same place.
It’s weird when you find yourself lost. I mean you knew where you were going when you got here, right? You had a plan all figured out, a life goal, events set in stone and all the trail rations to get there. But the path’s gone and the bumpers have been pulled. You’re burning through your rations, running low on gold and there’s nothing but fog all around you.
Fuck I mean the future was right there just a minute ago, plain as day. Now there’s so much bullshit around you can’t tell the trees from the leaves. Doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been here before. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s all the same.
So focus, how did you get out of it last time? You were laying on your roommate’s futon, high and disheveled, eating a delivery lumberjack breakfast watching 10 and Martha struggle through New New York City, figuring out a way out of the dark. Tennant and crew brought back the day to NNY and you wondered why no one could do that for you. You stressed a bit, traveled back in your mind and wondered about your original life goals. You wanted to move to San Francisco. You wanted to work for Doublefine. You wanted to do stand up and hang out with cool people. You wanted to lose weight. You wanted something, anything, you just wanted it to be better than this. Because you had everything you wanted and you hated it.
Grubhub brought you food. You had a nicer apartment so she’d visit you. Your roommate always knew a guy, so you could just ask and get organic pharmaceuticals brought to you. Netflix was digital, Amazon Prime was still free from college, Minecraft was growing and Steam Sales were beginning to be a thing. You had a gym in your apartment (that you never used) and work was 4 blocks and 1 train ride away. Everyday the same, in and out, never need to meet anybody new never had to leave the safety of the little bubble you made. Everything brought to you.
You wondered what could bring you out of it. You begged in your head for someone to bring you out of it. A lot of people tried, but no one succeeded. You refused, because while you love to give you never learned how to properly receive, so you rejected the help and stranded yourself. Trapped in a cage of your own design, figuring out a way out.
The first step was realizing where you were, and being honest about it. Being trapped in an imaginary world is fun but you’re the only one in it. The second step was asking other people for help and actually listening. The third step was to follow through.
You started using the gym in your apartment. You ate what your health conscious boss recommended. You got the work that was asked of you done and you delivered regularly, without question. You cleaned up, you looked sharp, you kept a schedule, you ran with it. You woke up every morning to the same Childish Gambino lyrics, and said them to yourself as you got up and looked for your phone:
I didn’t know he had it in him
Couldn’t see me as Spider-Man, but now I’m spittin’ venom
Now you payin’ attention, pick your fuckin’ face up
When I wanna be a superhero I just wake up
Renaissance man with a Hollywood buzz
I refuse to go back to not likin’ who I was
And as everything changed, and things got better, you thought to yourself “Everyone needs to know. Everyone needs to know it’s this easy, it’s this simple. I wish someone, anyone, could pop into another person’s head and free them from the thing that’s holding them back.”
You’re lost again, and while the solution is the same, the problems are different. So start from square one again. You’ve already asked for help but you haven’t listened. Your dream world’s been popped, so no more pulling daisy petals and wondering if it is or not because reality has a far more pressing beast for you to crawl out from under. Stop dreaming, stop hiding, stop second guessing and beating around the bush. Be brave, have faith, move, act. Because you already know how to save yourself.
And Pearl has more planets to go to.